70s movie = suck fest 2006

The number-one cinematic bomb in the nation right now is "The Wicker Man" starring Nicolas Cage. If today's movie is as bad as its 1973 namesake starring Christopher Lee, then I can see why.

Ordinarily, I enjoy watching older films of generally any kind (minus sappy love stories) because they have key features that I find entertaining. Many of these films were not worried about having some form of noise -- dialogue, swearing, lousy music -- hitting you every 10 seconds. They were more focused, for the most part, on telling a good story well.

But back in 1973, the world was exposed to a piece of garbage known as "The Wicker Man." And there is very very little to label even remotely entertaining about this thing.

The plot is simple: a cop from the mainland comes to a British isle to investigate a missing child case. The town starts to act wacky as he begins the investigation, and the root of the matter rests in the village's total abject devotion to paganism.

Everything about the 1973 version is predictable and poorly executed. The plot is so easily diagnosed that it's really laughable. And the way all the characters interact is equally painful to see. There is nothing -- NOTHING -- supernatural about the story, and it doesn't make for an interesting glimpse into psychological terror either. It's just garbage through and through . . .

I will not see the 2006 "Wicker Man" if I can possibly avoid it. And I would give the original an F- minus for even attempting to exist.

I think "The Wicker Man" may be bad enough to replace my top-ranked worst films manufactured by humans: