Oh no . . . Van Halen alert!

Back in the late 1980s, I had a good friend who came by after school almost daily to play with the Nintendo Entertainment System. We spent hundreds of hours destroying ninjas, punching foreigners and generally beating the ever-loving crap out of each other. Good times!!!

So given that there were thousands of possible 8-bit audio music sources available to us, what do you think was ultimately our soundtrack of choice?

The same friend who owned the NES also had this second-hand copy of Van Halen's "1984" -- possibly the pinnacle of the band's accomplishments. It was an old tape published in that odd, beige plastic with black lettering that came off with excessive handling. You ended up remembering the track order without the benefit of the factory-provided guide.

I must have heard every lick of "1984" dozens of times during those carefree days of excessive video game intake. Portions of this albums remain in circulation with classic rock stations around the world, and every guitar hero wannabe at some time tries to copy the style.

Why was this such a landmark effort? Nobody else was making sounds like these. Nobody in mainstream music could match Eddie Van Halen's guitar play. And David Lee Roth could yell out a lyric with unparalleled ability.

But all good things must come to an end, and much of Van Halen's follow-up efforts failed to gain traction. And it didn't help that each member of the band was living a lifestyle destined to lessen the quality of their lives and their abilites to contiune to put up with each other.

Now it has come to light that the band is back and hitting the road . . . with Roth in the lead and minus Michael Anthony. I just don't see how these guys are going to get over all the bad feelings that caused them to break up, rejoin, break up, rejoin and break up again.

And face facts -- they are all old, tired and just as worn as that old cassette we popped in time and again. This just seems like the saddest thing these guys could possibly do to grab more cash and "keep it real" with the fans.

I think most who spent way too much time listening to "1984" over any other recording available at the time will agree -- if it ain't going to be right, just don't do it. We'll all thank you for using a little discretion.

I would expect as much from Toad, but not Mario.

EMERGENCY MARKETING MEETING

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Cat photo + silly caption = comedy gold!

/ not original to me
// still funny

"Grindhouse" site up and running . . .

Been wondering what Rodriguez and Tarantino have been up to lately?

Well, wonder no more ....

The website for their upcoming double feature, "Grindhouse," is now up and running. It's a quirky little slice of those Internets with lots of hidden interactive features that will keep you coming back for more.

"Saw III" -- Meaty, bloody yuck (*UPDATED*)

The following review is promised to be without spoilers

Hey, remember that little movie franchise known as the "Saw" films? If you haven't heard, they came out with a flick last year -- "Saw III" -- and now it's out on DVD. Wow, what a way to keep your player happy for a few minutes . . .

Let me say this about the whole "Saw" series: I think the first movie was great for the genre, but the last two have steadily gone down-hill directly. Fans should be happy with the very real possibility that "Saw III" is the last film (if the storyline is to be believed, that is...).

Now I know there are some of you out there who have said that "Saw" is really only good for a few laughs; still some others were pretty disturbed by what occurred.

I let the first one go by for a long time. I was in the camp that thought the first movie would be teenage slasher fodder of the worst kind. Instead, I found a tight story with really good performances and plot twists provided by Michael Emerson ("Henry" from "Lost"), Cary Elwes ("Westley" from "The Princess Bride") and Danny Glover ("Murtaugh" from "Lethal Weapon"). It was a nice, original mystery without the overall reliance on seeing people graphically tortured to death.But the second movie was just not as good. The plot was somewhat thinner, and the traps were a lot more reliant on placing gore in your face. And this most recent installment is about the same -- a marginal mystery with way too much bone-popping, meat-flinging closeup views of horribly uncomfortable and graphic deaths.

I did, however, find the end of "Saw III" to have a great twist close to the "oh man!" factor of "Saw." If you find yourself increasingly nauseated by the mounds of human pieces (which I was not, but I know some who will), you've got to stick it out. You will get a slight reprieve before the final punch.

Again, I sure hope this is the last film. I believe the only possible plot devices that could continue the "Jigsaw" performance have either been employed here already or are just so far off the mark as to make the franchise even less.

ADDITION: Upon further reflection, I meant to convey that "Saw II" and "Saw III" are nowhere near as entertaining as "Saw" because the entire mystery factor of the first film was usurped by the splatter gore of the next two. In short, "Saw" was a different kind of "whodunnit;" the others are much more about the torture, which I do not think is either entertaining or original.

Hazaah!!! (A Medieval Times review)

My community is not one that I would characterize as a tourist destination, which is why I was a little surprised to see a Medieval Times open in my neighborhood.

For those who don't know, Medieval Times is a dinner theater action/drama showcase featuring swords, horses and food intended for you to eat with your fingers.

Let me begin by saying that I've not had a strong interest in the kind of entertainment Medieval Times has to offer -- I don't make it to the renaissance festivals, I don't own a sword. So, I didn't think I was going to have that much of a good time. But, to my surprise, I found the whole experience to be really fun.

Here is a quick run down of what goes on:

Location: As visiting Lords and Ladies, you are seated at color-coded, stadium-like areas complete with a table, chair, plate, bowl, cup and candle. Your seat overlooks the arena of sport -- a sand-lined pit presided over by a balcony with seats for the king and his daughter, the princess. Each color seating section has a corresponding knight for you to cheer to victory.

If you are apt to be put off your meal by the smell of animals, then you may -- at times -- have a loss of appetite. You will be watching people riding around on large, well-trained horses, and the horses do soil the sand. Folks will do their best to clean up between the action, but there is still a lingering scent of the equine variety.

Presentation: You are treated to a variety of entertaining performances occurring as segments of an overall story. There are ridership exhibitions, falconry demonstrations, skills competitions, hand-to-hand combat and a few special effects added here and there. And yes, you get to see some jousting!

The exposition of the story can be a little corny and bloated at times, and that is really about the only thing that I found slack about the whole experience. There will be a few "down times" where you get a mini-lecture on why the kingdom is in its current state. If you get over the melodramatic theatrical speed bumps, then you're good to go for the rest of the evening.

Food: Overall, you get a pretty good meal. Everyone will receive something like the following:

soup
bread
half a chicken
bbq ribs
half a seasoned potato
fruit-filled pastry

Drinks of Pepsi, tea, water and coffee are complementary. If you want beer, wine or some sort of specialty drink, they can be delivered to your seat.

You might want to personally order from the bar area in the lobby. They have a wide range of drinks and serving vessels available for purchase before or during the show. For example, you can grab a commemorative "stein" (more like a large ceramic mug with no lid) filled with your favorite domestic beer for $19 - $20.

So, was it worth it?

A trip to Medieval Times is best enjoyed with a large group of family and/or friends. We went with a big crowd as the guests of a rather generous business associate, and a good time was had by all.

You will, however, have to remember that nothing here is cheap. Just getting in the door will cost you $47.95 per adult and $35.95 for those 12 and younger. And throughout the entire evening, servers will come to your seat to sell souvenirs like banners ($1) and battery-powered flower lights ($5).

In short, Medieval Times makes for the kind of night that you and your crew of sword buddies will enjoy if you have a little extra spending money to keep yourselves entertained for a few hours. Short of a renfest visit, there is really very little else that can compare with an evening of shouting, "KILL HIM!!!" to the knight of your choosing.

Eat, drink and be medieval!

The Bruce Campbell Blogging Trifecta!

In keeping with the Urban Docent's recent posts relative to Mr. B-Movie himself, Bruce Campbell, I bring you this spoiler-free discussion of 1988's "Maniac Cop."

"Maniac Cop" is kind of a horror/crime murder romp with Campbell off to one side for most of the movie. He plays a key part in making the loose plot come to a close, but much of the film rolls without him.

Summary: Someone, dressed as a uniformed officer, is killing people left and right in late 80s New York City. A small group in the law enforcement community goes out of its way to stop the rampage. A few other twists and backstories are thrown in for good measure.

Overall, "Maniac Cop" is standard-issue movie cheese with goofy killing after goofy killing. But I will say there is evidence of some actual craftsmanship and value in the production; they really tried to make a movie that comes off without a weak moment. I applaud them for their efforts.

There are, however, some holes here and there that keep this from being a total classic. It is a great example of low-budget action films of the 80s, but I think the fan support for Campbell (who turns in a pretty good performance, by the way) is the only thing that has kept this one going for nearly two decades. Every so often, you'll catch this title playing on a weekend afternoon on your local UHF station . . . so enjoy it!

As a side note: "Maniac Cop" would be nothing if weren't for the performance of another b-movie legend: Robert Z'Dar. Z'Dar is the kind of actor with a very distinctive face that you'll remember without ever knowing the guy's real name.

MST3K fans will recall Z'Dar's "immortal" role as the wacky reaper in "Soultaker," which is another example of bad 80s film making leaching its way into the early 90s.

Just remember the lesson the following "Soultaker" clip taught us: The Grim Reaper may come for you while you're in the shower, but he'll likely enjoy the free show before cutting another notch in his scythe.

OK; you can call him Ash just this once . . .

Don't call him Ash

Whatever

I just finished the current NY. Times #6 best-seller, and it was a little less than memorable. (I promise: no spoilers . . . )

This is basically a fleshing out of the young life of America's favorite cannibal, Hannibal Lecter. Supposedly, you're going to get the straight story on why he does what he does.

If you read the last book, you already have a pretty good idea about what happened to raise the mania that is the good doctor's trademark. In short, "Hannibal Rising" really crosses very little new ground.

Overall, I found this book to be pretty flat. Much of the text comes off as these back-story scenes -- possibly cut from other titles -- strung together with really forgettable conversations and boring "action" sequences.

If you're a fan of the franchise, skip this one and wait for the movie (coming in about a month).

RING RING RING -- Hello? -- Yes, your cell phone is garbage...

Hey, remember that cell phone of yours . . . that one you just got and signed some insane contract to be able to afford . . . . Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your phone is now an obsolete piece of technotrash.

<-- click here for a full explanation -- >

Er, I don't think so

Even the vacuum said, "NO!"

Welcome to the world of disgusting candy. Welcome to Swizzels' Parma Violets.

Yuck

This is easily one of the worst candies ever -- far worse than Circus Peanuts, Cinnamon Disks or anything made by those horrible confectioners at Ferrara Pan.

We purchased the lousy candy some time ago at a local British food and gifts store. We forgot these things were still here until we recently cleaned out a storage area while looking for a piece of missing mail.

The remaining two rolls of Parma Violets then somehow ended up under the vacuum. When I started it up, these things just stayed there, getting in the way -- there was no way the machine was going to consume these chucks of candy crap.

So, just what makes these things so bad? They're chalky like an antacid tablet. They have a bad flowery taste like the one that might settle in your mouth were you to enter an elevator or other close space occupied by too many large, stinky old ladies. The bad taste stays in your mouth for several minutes after they (the candies, not the old ladies) are dissolved.

To sum up -- Parma Violets are really just gross and should be avoided at all cost. I can't think of a reason why anyone would want to eat them.

And you should in no way use these horrible treats to indict all British goodies. My somewhat-limited experience with candies from across the pond is that they are, for the most part, better than American treats.

Of course, my all-time favorite candy item is also an import . . . . yum!

Greetings from Catland

Spectreman!!!!!!!

As a small boy, this was without a doubt the only show that had my imagination and attention fully in its grasp. I was captivated from the first minute I saw this undoubtedly poorly translated Japanese import.

I would watch ever second of every episode I could find on the dial. I would mimic the dialogue, fight sequences, sounds and anything I could possibly recall once the program was over. I spent hour upon hour recreating adventures and making new ones with Spectreman at the center.

There are many episode segments on YouTube that I have yet to explore, but here's what I recall from the depths of my childhood memory banks: there was this evil alien monkey hovering over the earth in a flying saucer. The evil monkey had a stupid brute of a gorilla henchman to run around and pull off devilish schemes that mainly involved unloading crazy beasts to destroy the world.

Fortunately for humanity, another alien -- Spectreman -- was sent to earth to stop the monkey men. Spectreman worked in disguise as George, a reporter (?) and/or low-level government agent addressing the problems of pollution. How convenient: the monkey plots all involved exploiting stupid humanity's propensity to ruin his own world with industrial waste.

Spectreman doesn't sound like much, but trust me -- for an overly impressionable youth, this show was the biggest thing going. In fact, I happen to recall seeing an episode involving bad guys driving around in this strange, black conversion van. The next day while traveling on the expressway with my family, I immediately hid in the floorboard upon seeing a similar looking vehicle.

There will always be a special place in my heart for this simple, over-the-top Japanese monster-robot bashfest. I am thrilled to relive a little of the magic thanks to the postings of others who most likely once cared a lot for seeing this program.

Rock on!!!!

Speaking of Superstars

The recent passing of the Hardest Working Man in Show Business. James Brown, has produced a glut of interesting entries on my favorite place to preview music styles.

One of the more different selections available is a little ode to that darling of the down-and-out: heroin. Here are the lyrics:

"King Heroin" --- James Brown

I came to this country without a passport
Ever since then I've been hunted and sought
My little white grains are nothin' but waste
Soft and deadly and bitter to taste
I'm a world of power and all know it's true
Use me once and you'll know it, too
I can make a mere schoolboy forget his books
I can make a world-famous beauty neglect her looks
I can make a good man forsake his wife
Send a greedy man to prison for the rest of his life
I can make a man forsake his country and flag
Make a girl sell her body for a five-dollar bag
Some think my adventure's a joy and a thrill
But I'll put a gun in your hand and make you kill
In cellophane bags I've found my way
To heads of state and children at play
I'm financed in China, ran in Japan
I'm respected in Turkey and I'm legal in Siam
I take my addicts and make 'em steal, borrow, beg
Then they search for a vein in their arm or their leg
So, be you Italian, Jewish, Black or Mex
I can make the most virile of men forget their sex
So now, no, my man, you must (you know) do your best
To keep up your habit until your arrest
Now the police have taken you from under my wing
Do you think they dare defy me, I who am king?
Now, you must lie in that county jail
Where I can't get to you by visit or mail
So squirm -- with discomfort -- wiggle and cough (hack!)
Six days of madness, hah! You might throw me off
Curse me in name! Defy me in speech!
But you'd pick me up right no if I were in your reach
All through your sentence you've become resolved to your fate
Hear now! younng man and woman, I'll be waitin' at the gate
Don't be afraid, don't run! I'm not chased
Sure my name is Heroin! You'll be back for a taste
Behold, you're hooked!
Your foot is in the stirrup
And make -- haste!
Mount the steed!
And ride him well
For the white horse of heroin
Will ride you to Hell!
To Hell!
Will ride you to Hell!
Until you are dead!
Dead, brother! Dead!
This is a revolution of the mind
Get your mind together
And get away from drugs!
That's the man!
Back! Back

To hear "King Heroin" for yourself, head over to this site and scroll down to the middle of the page (the section pictured below):

So there is a trick to this thing . . .

They have the whole thing fixed against you. But, you can win!!!!

Happy New Year!!!!!

"Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans play to win all the time.

I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed."

George C. Scott -- Patton

Falcons fire coach Jim Mora