Vampires will never take over the world

If there were a race of vampires bent on destroying the fabric of society by enslaving and/or ending humanity as we know it, the odds are against their success.

First, I imagine there would be a supercrew of vampire fighters (see "Vampire Hunter D" or "John Carpenter's Vampires") that would already be at work before the general populous was made aware of the situation. Humanity would be able to sneak up on the bloodsuckers, drive a garlic-soaked stake through their dead hearts and drag their sorry carcases into the brightest of the bright, sunny days. Woot!

Second, small pockets of strong resistance would build up and strike major blows in guerrilla warfare engagements (see Stephen King's "Salem's Lot"). People young and old would know their own home terrains well enough to remove large swatches of the living dead attackers.

And if that weren't enough, some science guys have come up with the mathematical proof that a vampire takeover is destined to fail. Here is what they have to say:

It would take 2.5 years for vampires to wipe out the entire human race (supposing their victims become vampires)

After n months there would be 2 x 2 x 2 ... x 2 = 2ⁿ, or a geometric progression with ratio 2. (In other words, "The vampire population increases geometrically and the human population decreases geometrically.")

To sum up -- "Using the principle of reductio ad absurdum, they conclude that vampires can't exist as their existence contradicts the existence of humans."

Therefore, if there really were vampires and they really got their act together to attack the rest of the world, their efforts would ultimately fail.

You can now sleep better tonight . . . until the zombie hoard arrives.

Revisionist history, or the Gospel truth?

This man, Pauline Father Gabriele Amorth, is the official exorcist for the Vatican. In a recent radio interview and subsequent news story, he offered the following sentiments:

"The devil can possess not only individuals but also entire groups and populations. For example, I am convinced that the Nazis were all possessed by the devil. If one thinks of what was committed by people like Stalin or Hitler, certainly they were possessed by the devil."

So two of history's most high-profile murders were, indeed, only doing what the Devil told them to?

I'm not sure anyone can say for sure that these folks were truly possessed, but their actions were ghastly enough to make you consider that possibility. But before we start hanging labels, consider what the Bible has to say about a person possessed:

Matthew 8:28-33
And when he [Jesus] was come to the other side into the country of the Gergesenes, there met him two possessed with devils, coming out of the tombs, exceeding fierce, so that no man might pass by that way.

And, behold, they cried out, saying, What have we to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of God? art thou come hither to torment us before the time?

And there was a good way off from them an herd of many swine feeding.

So the devils besought him, saying, If thou cast us out, suffer us to go away into the herd of swine.

And he said unto them, Go. And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine: and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters.

And they that kept them fled, and went their ways into the city, and told every thing, and what was befallen to the possessed of the devils.

I'm guessing that nobody was with either Hitler or Stalin 24-7, but I seriously doubt that either exhibited supernatural strength or similar physical manifestations of possession.

But then again, perhaps there were some who witnessed actions that were out of the ordinary. Consider this site and the lengthy article, "Demonic Possession of World Leaders."

No clowning around.

In recent weeks, I've taken some guff for my posts.

No, it wasn't a political statement or movie review that got people upset. The negative feedback came because I posted some pictures featuring sinister clowns (seen here, here and here).

Personally, I have no beef with clowns and those who like to clown around. Sure, clowns are by and large annoying. But they aren't scary to me.

So I've come to learn that by hook or by crook some folks have a rather deep-seated fear and hatred of those white-faced comedians. I mean, they get the nightmares and the whole nine yards from seeing these performers.

To help us all understand and better appreciate what causes these reactions, I have asked a repeat clown victim to give a personal account of dealing with Ronald McDonald and his cohorts:

Coulrophobia is the official word for the fear of clowns. Yuck! Even typing the word is difficult for me.

A large number of people suffering from coulrophobia have had bad experiences that caused them to develop this fear. I am one of those people. The rest of the population that experience this fear simply hate them because they are creepy, disgusting and NOT funny.

They are often in scary movies, including "Spawn" where the clown is a demon, "Gacy" which is a true story of an idiot that dressed up as a clown and killed little boys and finally, America's favorite, "It".

The shoes, the hair, the red paint around their repulsive mouths - which could only be blood - is frightening and disturbing. They are not cute. They are adult men and the whole purpose of their demeanor, their appearance and their balloon twisting "talent" is to attract children. There is something wrong with that.

There are therapies and treatments for this fear. If I attempted to undergo them, I might just respond positively, but I am convinced that until every clown is burned, we are not safe.

For the enjoyment of the sufferers of coulrophobia:
click here.

Double dippers (WNTE ver 6.0)

I'm a little mystified by the most recent additions to my favorite WFMY News 2 feature, Restaurant Report Card (which we call Where Not To Eat aka WNTE).

Traditionally, the Card is updated every seven days. This is why I was a little disappointed to see Aug. 17 come and go with no addition.

But within the last 24 hours, they posted two updates dated Aug. 17 and Aug. 24, respectively. They're kinda pulling a little switch to make themselves look up-to-speed.

The old shell game aside, lets take a look at what's on the menu this time:

Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robins, Great Wall Chinese

• Toxic items are not properly labeled such as sanitizer and degreaser
• The restaurant is not cooling down hot foods properly
• Employees not washing their hands after taking out the garbage or handling money
• All non-approved utensils and equipment must be removed
• All items must be off the floor

China Restaurant

• The restaurant needs to work on keeping the flies out
• The restaurant needs to clean the floors extensively

Wendy's

• Dirty dishes and containers
• All dishes need to be completely cleaned before placing them on the shelf
• Flies were present

Carniceria el Ranchero

• The domestic freezers are not approved for food storage (a repeat violation)
• Hair restraints must be worn when preparing food or washing utensils

Smokehouse BBQ

• Some equipment needed cleaning inside and out

Great Wall Chinese

• Both live and dead cockroaches were found today as well as flies (SPECIAL NOTE: The original score was a 78.5, it improved to 83.5)

Oh how the mighty have fallen . . .

Darn. There was so much potential for this to be great.

It wasn't.

While there are moments of genuine excitement, the new "Poseidon" was an overall disappointment. It cannot hold an orange emergency flashlight to 1972's "The Poseidon Adventure."

As you'll recall, in the 1972 version Gene Hackman was the strong-willed if not a bit worldly priest, the Rev. Frank Scott. He and Ernest Borgnine's character, Det. Lt. Mike Rogo, played off each other very well (just like in the book).

But in this incarnation, Kurt Russell and Josh Lucas are two of the most lifeless leading characters imaginable. There is nothing -- nothing -- interesting about their interactions, backstories or motivations. They're just placeholders of the worst sort.

The visual effects are entertaining, but only for a while. You do find yourself saying, "Ok, sure these people can spend that much time underwater . . . without any hint that they should know how."

I guess the biggest disappointment comes with this being a film directed by Wolfgang Peterson. He brought us such entertaining movies as "The Perfect Storm" and "Air Force One" as well as the fine film, "Das Boot." But "Poseidon" has left me with a sinking feeling.

And I remain apprehensive about which Wolfgang Peterson is going to show up to direct "Ender's Game." Few sci-fi/fantasy novels can claim to be as influential as Orson Scott Card's simple classic. If Card is to be believed, he continually receives messages from readers whose lives were deeply touched by this story.

One can only hope the real Wolfgang Peterson is behind the camera for this one . . .

Extreme math

As a kid, I was constantly harassed to "show my work" in completing long division and other math equations. Math is not my cup of anything, and to this day I remain a total science end-user -- I don't care (for the most part) how you got it done . . . just do it.

All the while there's been this mother of all unsolvable math problems known as the Poincaré conjecture sitting out there for about 100 years. This thing is so unbelievably complex, I think it's best to just borrow the newspaper's description to say that it's "about the nature of space."

So, the conjecture sits there unresolved since its inception in 1904. That is until now . . .

It seems a mysterious Russian mathematician named Grigory Perelman has adequately completed the work to resolve the math puzzler.

In 2003, Perelman submitted his solution to a Massachusetts-based institute that offered $1 million to the person who could untangle the problem.

The Mass. group is now finished looking at Perelman's work, and they are ready to supply him with an oversized novelty check worth a mill. But Perelman is a no-show.

He turned in nearly 1,000 pages of work . . . many think he has a lock on the math version of the Nobel Prize . . . he has already earned himself a million . . . and he hasn't been seen or heard from since.

Something just doesn't add up here . . .

Want to know more?

Ok, here's the story. Supposedly this company inadvertently created a perpetual motion machine, and now they're challenging the world to prove they didn't.

To read more about it, go here and here.

One month, two movies

Get ready to see your DVD collection grow by leaps and bounds this fall with these two Japanese classics.

Criterion is going to unleash a restored version of Kurosawa's "Seven Samurai." Here's what you'll get:

Three discs
Restored high-definition transfer
50-minute making of documentary
Two-hour conversation with Kurosawa
New English subtitle translation
And much, much more

Gojira comes to DVD for the first time in North America. The classic monster movie will include the following:

A two-disc set
Commentaries
Making-of feature
Trailers
“Godzilla” with Raymond Burr

Long before "Lord of the Rings" . . .

Almost a decade before Peter Jackson brought us the first installment of his definitive cinematic expression of the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, he was doing all he could to make our stomachs churn with "Dead Alive" (aka "Braindead").

And I have to hand it to him; in "Dead Alive," I think he out Romeroed George A. Romero.

"Dead Alive" is by far the most bloody gore-filled zombie romp I have ever seen. It has a fantastic sense of humor whereby you find yourself more often laughing than squirming at the sight of so much dismemberment and flesh consumption.

Plot (applied here loosely): The bite of a freakishly evil monkey turns a prudish elderly lady into her sheltered son's worst nightmare.

This movie has very interesting visual effects that had to require some original engineering to complete without the assistance of today's sophisticated computers. There are multiple zombie and human death sequences the likes of which do not exist anywhere else -- period.

I'm not sure how easy it is to come by this film, but I picked up a new copy of a no-frills edition at Wal-Mart for less than $8. If you see it, get it and enjoy the splatter comedy that follows.

WNTE goes big time!

As you're now likely aware, the Urban Docent offers continual updates of restaurant happenings in and around the greater Winston-Salem, N.C., community. Check it out here.

This is done to help embarrass the state of North Carolina (which I dislike), to highlight the efforts of one local TV station -- WFMY News 2 -- and to add some good ol' gross out.

While my favorite WFMY segment, Restaurant Report Card, hasn't been updated, there have been two significant events this weekend relative to local eating establishments.

1. Two men are shot in an Arby's parking lot
They ended up being treated for non-life threatening injuries, and the police have already arrested two guys and 15-year-old kid in the case. Lousy shooting will get you every time.
(and check out the new police/shooting graphic . . . nifty)


2. Restaurants close after E. coli detection
This is probably not as bad as it sounds. One part of the county had high levels of the dangerous bacteria in its water supply. The North Carolina Department of Environment and Natural Resources told everyone to boil their water, and it closed area restaurants temporarily.

There is no word at this time as to whether the Arby's where the shooting occurred was actually closed at the time, which would mean that the intended targets had no business being there . . .

Either way, this weekend was not kind to area restaurants. And have no fear -- we will continue to monitor reports to bring you the latest WNTE updates when they are available!

Urban Docent News Whenever -- Determined, Dependable, Docent

One Saturday, two movies (part 2)

For the second viewing of the day I ventured into "foreign film" territory with the import, "The Descent".

"Descent" is a 2005 UK release brought to US audiences thanks to the fine folks at Lions Gate Films. (more on them in a moment)

A quick summary without spoilers -- a group of adventurous young women gather for a subterranean exploration outing. The group is meeting again to help cheer up the main character, who suffered a seriously traumatic event the year before.

And then the humanoid murder machines show up. Horror ensues.

This movie plays on all the best sources of real fear: loneliness, isolation, claustrophobia, suffocation, dismemberment, monsters and other perils. In other words, this is no one-trick pony -- you will squirm, jump and otherwise grab an extremity to make sure it's intact.

This is a smart, generally taut thriller/horror flick with the right balance of gore. I give it a solid C: the monsters get a little old, and there is at least one place where someone acts almost completely out of character. (there are no hiddens with the closing credits)

Back to Lions Gate for a minute. One benefit of watching "Descent" is the added bonus trailer for "Saw III," which comes out this Halloween. "Saw III" looks to be as good as the first and better than the second, which really really sucked.

One Saturday, two movies (part 1)

Well, I saw it . . . I watched "Snakes on a Plane."

Here's my quick take: cheesy, but entertaining.

I enjoyed that this movie knew it was so over-the-top in the cheese department that it didn't really need to take anything too seriously. The dialogue was goofy when it needed to be and standard-issue when it was required.

The special effects were really good. I actually felt more airline peril with "Snakes" than at any moment of any other plane-related disaster film -- TV or large screen. The CG held up better than some of the recent "Star Wars" crap we've suffered through. (Thanks for nothing, Lucas)

Predictable? But of course. Fan-friendly? You bet.

As you can imagine, there are dozens of cliches from the characters and their actions to the types of deaths (human and reptile) from start to finish. The difference here is that these tried-and-true standards are pulled off remarkably well, given the overall material in play.

If I had to give it a rating, I would say "Snakes" earned a well-deserved B - of the lowest degree available. It's far and away more entertaining than "Talladega Nights".

And for those of you who like to wait it out to see if there are any hiddens at the end, let me save you the time -- there aren't. There are, however, three snake-related musical endeavours, including one accompanied by a video.

COMING SOON -- "One Saturday, two movies (part 2)"

Your iPod wants freedom

Apple's doing what it can to overcome sweatshop labor conditions at one of its iPod-producing factories.

Did you know that your little treasure chest of "music" was built on the backs of Chinese sweatshop labor? Oh yes, it's true.

Check this out.

Apple is scrambling to correct the fact that this location forces 15-hour work days to keep up with iPod demand. And if that's not enough, workers only make $47 - $50 a month to churn out thousands of the pricey devices.

Here are some facts reported in the original iPod piece:

• 200,000 people work and sleep at “iPod City”
• Workers live in dormitories with 100 to a room
• No one outside the plant is allowed to visit the workers
• Workers perform military-style drill every morning
• “Everything considered, the total cost of manufacturing an iPod Nano is around £41. In Britain they sell for between £109 and £179.”

At least now that it has come to Apple's attention, the company is trying to fix the situation. But I wonder how long this was going on before they got around to addressing it?

More scary clowns . . .

For more, go here . . . if you dare.

Does your soy hurt? Well, it's killing us!

I'm not going to buy this lady's book, but I was amused it read this free exert:

THE PERILS OF SOY ( THE FLATULENCE FACTOR )

In short, if you guts are killing you because of the soy, stop eating itf your way to avoid all things soy.

Otherwise, please pass the tofu . . .

Early morning chuckles . . .

I am like a hawk, eyeing the WFMY News 2 site in anticipation of the latest Internet blessing we know as WNTE. All the sudden, I spot something equally entertaining.

This guy with this headline read with this guy's voice in mind

An open letter to India

Hello, my neighbor.

I know we don't talk much, and it seems I only call when I need something. There's no way around my needy calls as so many of our call centers are with you!

With that aside, I'm writing today because I was really taken back by the story I read about you today. Here's a copy of what I saw:

New Delhi -- One needs to sweat it out for 59 minutes to earn Rs 59 to buy a large-sized `Big Mac' burger from the McDonalds outlet in Delhi, a latest study says.

To afford the same burger, those living in the African city of Nairobi need to put about half an hour extra, while those in the US cities like Los Angeles, New York, Chicago and Miami would have to put a maximum of 13 minutes.

Holy crap! What a bad standard of measurement.

I would rather eat anything -- I do mean anything -- than that mess, let alone work the entire day for it. I'm saying, at the end of the day you need a really good bean burrito or something . . . maybe some nachos.

Anyway, I hope you all get your earnings problems resolved . . . or redesign your fastfood pricing structures . . . or do whatever makes you happy.

Hey, I just want what's best for you. What else are friends for?

Sincerely,

U.D.

But will you go see it?

The soon take off of "Snakes on a Plane" signifies the launch of Hollywood's most Internet-friendly film ever. I mean, have you been able to hit many sites without seeing something on this film? And haven't we all had Samuel L. Jackson call our cellphones to let us know that this is his greatest film?

Some have voiced concerns over content because there was no pre-screens -- a move that typically equals disaster. And there are many admissions from the creative team indicating that they took blogger pointers (to the extent of reshooting segments) to overcome the misgivings of fans.

That being said, will anyone go see this beyond its second weekend?

Are you honestly willing to shell out the $5.50, $8 or $12 it will take to get you in for a first-run viewing? Is this just a $1 movie waiting to happen, or will you put it off until it is available at Netflix in a few months?

There sure is an unprecedented amount of hype from the studio and the blogs over the fan-friendliness of the film. But I'm betting that the studio really couldn't care less about what the Fanboys had to say ahead of time.

If this film comes in for a crash landing by weekend two, you can expect a completely revised and revisited pr strategy on the same order prior for the next crap movie.

What the heck?

Once again, a funny graphic.

Thanks is due to the wonderful crew at North Carolina's WFMY News 2 for whipping out the world's funniest "crime graphic":

Delivery Man Attacked And Robbed

Three men approached a delivery guy -- One man hit the dude in the head, cutting his cheek -- The suspects grabbed the food and ran

Wii and the power to control it

When I first heard what Nintendo had up its sleeves with Wii, I never imagined I could really get excited about a "console" launch. But Wii has everything going for it. . .

For me, the number one selling point is access to a virtually limitless library of games. Here's the official line from Nintendo corporate:

Wii will have downloadable access to 20 years of fan-favorite titles originally released for Nintendo 64, the Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES) and even the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES).

The Virtual Console also will feature a "best of" selection from Sega Genesis titles and games from the TurboGrafx console (a system jointly developed by NEC and Hudson). It also will be home to new games conceived by indie developers whose creativity is larger than their budgets.

Fantastic!! I'm so pumped about this.

And there is even a revitalization for the control system, creating something that has never really been tried before. Here are some pics (courtesy of the Cinematic Cynic), and here are some examples of how it will work . . .

The Simpsons + Metallica = funny? Only time will tell . . .

The show will air as the Season Premiere on September 10, 2006 on your local FOX station. (please check local listings for channel and showtime in your area. And as always, schedules are subject to change)

More details here.

Arianna Huffington and . . . The Indigo Girls?

Where else but in Atlanta's quirky eclectic community of Decatur could you find a literary event headlined by Arianna Huffington and Emily Saliers?

Hundreds of authors will come together for the first-ever, three-day Decatur Book Festival on Sept. 1-3. Here are few of the other attendees scheduled to appear:

• Michael Connelly - best-selling mystery and thriller writer
• Edward P. Jones - Pulitzer Prize winner, author of The Known World
• Steve Berry - The Amber Room, The Templar Legacy
• Toure - Rolling Stone Magazine, BET, CNN
• Robert Olen Butler - Pulitzer Prize winner, A Good Scent From a Strange Mountain
• Connie May Fowler - Before Women had Wings
• Terry Kay - To Dance with a White Dog
• Roy Blount Jr. - author/screenwriter/humorist
  

So here's what else is planned: cooking demos with cooking authors, barbecue, fireworks, music, poetry, book signing and a lot of other happenings.

WNTE ver 1.0 - 5.0

Here are all the installments (so far) of that lil' classic known as Where Not To Eat:

ver 1.0
ver 2.0
ver 3.0
ver 4.0
ver 5.0

When in Rome . . . (WNTE ver 5.0)

The ever-adventurous staff of WFMY News 2 bring us this week's installment of the Restaurant Report Card (or as I like to call it, "Where Not To Eat").

I guess it goes without saying that I enjoy Restaurant Report Card because it flings back the dirty aprons of a hundred different eating establishments we'll likely never visit. It's kind of like culinary gossip without the extra carbs.

This time, we end up with three distinctively different gastronomic disaster areas:

• Rome Italian Garden Pizza: "many flies landing on the food and utensils". . . "the restaurant should not blow a very dirty fan over the food"
• North Main Express Mart: "everything needs a thorough cleaning" . . . "the inspector saw a live roach and recommended a treatment by a certified pest control company"
• Sarku Japan (inside Hanes Mall): "all foods are to be stored in proper containers with lids, not in 'To Go' bags and not on the floor" . . . "employees should was their hands before beginning their shift"

I'm not exactly sure if these wordings come directly from the reports filed by inspectors, or if the tv crew is having a little fun. I just can't imagine a report saying that the owners are reminded to not have "very dirty" fans blowing on the food . . . slightly dirty fans are acceptable. But then again stranger thing have happened.

As an aside, this rather humorous robbery graphic appeared on the front page and was joined by this equally humorous story:

Clerk Pulls Gun on Robbers

Police say the clerk feared for his safety and pulled out his own handgun to defend himself. The two suspects ran away from the scene.

"Riding" too much of a good thing . . .

The silver-screen adaptation of Stephen King's "Riding the Bullet" takes a few imaginative ways of sharing this coming-of-age horror story and runs them into the ground.

It wasn't the actors. This time, it was the way the story was told.

King's "Constant Readers" know of his propensity to use inner voices as "conversations" to move a character along. While this works in a novel where the inner voice is often seen in italics, it's hard to pull off in a motion picture.

Director Mick Garris, who has done many King projects, selected the split-screen sort of effect of having the main character appear with himself to carry on these conversations. This approach is used almost to the point of distraction.

And another feature of King's writing style is to have characters go into great detail about an imagined circumstance or outcome -- envisioning vivid accounts of what might be. Garris employs these as trippy flashbacks of supposed realities, sometimes in rapid succession.

I get what Garris was trying to do. He wanted to present what is, at heart, a tender story about a young man coming to terms with growing old in an unstable world; he wanted to give us the tale the way it was written. Unfortunately, the screen story suffers from the techniques it offers.

On the other hand, I will give Garris credit for borrowing some of his pacing, lighting and action methods from George A. Romero. I challenge you to see it and not get some of the same feel of the immortal "Creepshow".

King fans take heart -- apparently Romero is attached to bring "From a Buick 8" to the big screen as early as 2007.

Q. When is a hurricane not a hurricane?

A. When it's a typhoon or cyclone.

The recent arrival of a powerful typhoon to mainland China got me thinking about what makes a typhoon a typhoon.

According to the Atlantic Oceanographic and Meteorological Laboratory (AOML), big weather events carry their own region-specific monikers. Also, there may be differences in rotation direction.

Check this out:

Hurricane -- North Atlantic Ocean, Northeast Pacific Ocean east or South Pacific Ocean east

Typhoon -- Northwest Pacific Ocean west

Severe Tropical Cyclone -- Southwest Pacific Ocean west or Southeast Indian Ocean east

Severe Cyclonic Storm -- North Indian Ocean

Tropical Cyclone -- Southwest Indian Ocean

The above image caught my eye because it shows a cluster of typhoons building up all at once. On Aug. 7, a NASA satellite spotted a trio of typhoons in a single pass of the Pacific Ocean.

NASA says, "The bright feature also seen in this image is a phenomenon known as sunglint, in which sunlight bounces off the ocean surface into MODIS' camera eye."

"Sunglint" is also a manufacturer and distributor of a wide range of postmix draught soft drinks in the UK. It is not known at this time if Sunglint's soft drinks will cause sunglint in outdoor conditions.

I feel a home improvement project coming on . . .

I believe a few of these might be in order for the end of my driveway.

See you in heck, UPS!

Twice in one week? Can it be?

Once again this week a story arrives that draws on a familiar phrase from years gone by:

You Can Do it Your Own Way,
If It's Done Just How I Say

ISRAEL - MID EAST CRISIS - ISRAEL - MID EAST CRISIS

Ok, now that I have your attention . . . here's something completely unrelated to the header.

The Urban Docent is your home for all kinds of wacky things, including the continued exploration of governmentese.

Recently, I was exposed to an interesting phrase of pure governmentese: "hostile landscaping." To sum up, hostile landscaping is the practice of introducing elements like sticky bushes and repulsive shrubbery to help drive away unlawful behavior.

If you are willing to go the extra mile, you can put in some low-maintenance plants to make burglars think twice or put off graffiti guys/gals. Apparently, this is becoming a cheap, permanent way to protect private property.

But what if our underworld begins to breed hostile landscaping-immune criminals? I believe the right mix of pesticides, ammo and polite signage will go far to defeat any trends . . .

And now ------------- a link to something else unrelated to hostile landscaping. Click here.

(your monster noise here)

Famous monsters meet famous paintings

"Hell's Kitchen" insights

We really get a kick out of Fox's "Hell's Kitchen." Basically, competing chefs with various levels of skill fight it out to win their own restaurant. And, they get to learn the ropes from world-renowned chef, Gordon Ramsay.

This season -- the program's second -- has been nearly as good as the first go-round. I always enjoy seeing someone squirm as Ramsay demands that they rise to the occasion.

But many of us have wondered: What became of Michael Wray, last year's winner?

In an article I discovered recently, it appears Michael is trying to get his own restaurant off the ground in Vegas and pushing his own start-up line of knives for chefs. In his own words:

For some reason, when you want to open a multi-million dollar restaurant at a casino on the Las Vegas Strip, it takes more than just winning a reality show.

Now it's come to this ...

Well, the inevitable finally happened . . . the "Big M" has (at last) made its music catalog available to iTunes users. And they're glad they've held out this long ...

So for a buck a pop, you can get the best of the best from their decades of musical endeavors. Hate everything but one or two tracks? Now they're yours without the headache of suffering through the rest of the album.

Hey Metallica, thanks for catching up with just about everything else in the world . . .

I mean, we've been able to get movie trailers, TV shows, music videos and countless other forms of crap on iTunes -- sometimes free -- forever, it seems. What exactly have you been waiting for?

Thanks for coming on board, but your belated entry makes your arrival nearly pointless.

To borrow a phrase from a more recent release, "So what?"

Are you still "Lost"?

The fine folks over at ABC have posted a recently recorded "Lost" podcast from a fan q/a session conducted at the San Diego Comic-Con.

Little of the recording is insightful, but a few interesting points caught my attention. And for those who haven't completed season 2, these items are not spoilers.

First, the production team confirmed that season 3 will run in two parts -- a six-week run in the fall of this year and the rest coming after the first of the year. There will not be the lousy guesswork of reruns we suffered through in season 2.

Second, mastermind JJ Abrams -- who was instrumental in making season 1 such a treat -- will return to pen the opening episodes of each half of season 3.

Third, one of the geeks asked how many total days the entire program would cover. The questioner figured up a possible number of days the castaways had lived on the island during seasons 1 and 2. One of the production team indicated that season 3 would include plot lines making us rethink the whole notion of time as it occurs on The Island.

And finally, the writers are cooking up a self-proclaimed "Jump The Shark" moment (likely to occur at the end of the fall) to completely "fry our brains" about our entire understanding of "Lost."

How cool is that?

It's cold up in here!

Just finished the DVD re-issue of Stephen King's "Storm of the Century." The made-for-TV movie aired as a mini-series on ABC back in 1999, but I've just now gotten my hands on a DVD edition.

Let me begin by saying that I'm a King subset fan -- I find his best work to be the Dark Tower books. Some of the other stuff is alright at times, but the Dark Tower is the pinnacle of King's creations. Thus I was intrigued to consider the possibility that the "Storm" antagonist was a key figure in the overall Dark Tower mythology.

"Storm" had high production value, and was much better than some of the other King adaptations. While I believe "The Stand" remains the best so far, this one is an extremely close second.

This is a great viewing experience with some fine storytelling qualities that are often lost on the TV production crowd. And setting down in front of hours of snow storm footage will help you cool off during these record hot days.

Speaking of our wacky weather, have you ever considered that there might be more than "global warming" at play?

Scott Stevens is a former professional weather forecaster who quit the TV gigs to produce an in-depth look at possible man-made weather events. His site is an interesting resource for an alternative view of world events in the sky.

This is why we love The Onion

Millions Of Americans Buying Floyd Landis-Inspired Bracelets

Well, it was "OK" . . . I wouldn't say "good."

We, like millions of others, plunked down their change this weekend to see "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby."

For NASCAR followers worried about this being a big jab at the fans, fear not: this film mocks racing as much as "Major League" insulted Cleveland Indian watchers.

The unfortunate thing is that funny moments come a little too few and far between. Don't get me wrong; I laughed out loud at times. But, this movie is not that funny overall.

Brevity is the soul of wit, so it's said . . . and this movie spends too much time setting up the laughs. In other words, this movie has some really odd dry spells.

And is this one of those flicks where most of the good stuff is in the trailer? Yep, this is one for sure. If you've seen a trailer and two or three ads, you've just about got it.

Final grade -- C (needs improvement)

Likely fake, but still great

Roaches and flies and rats ... oh my (Where not to eat ver 4.0)

WFMY News 2 -- bringing you all the news you need to know.

A quick look at what's on the menus of some of the finer eating establishments in and around greater Winston-Salem, NC:

• roach on clean utensils and flies
• live and dead roaches and flies
• several live roaches in the kitchen
• rodent droppings in dry storage

Mel Gibson – Hollywood’s bird on a wire

It appears 2006 is the year of living dangerously for perennial frontman Mel Gibson.

Gibson is known the world over for icon entertainment international in scope, but his recent drunken driving arrest launched the chain reaction of events destined to end with a yet-unknown punishment.

While Hollywood is often chided for seemingly rewarding the foolish behaviors of its braveheart children, the screen maverick forgot what you're not supposed to do when facing a tequila sunrise -- getting behind the wheel while drunk turns any vehicle into a lethal weapon (even if you've gotten away with it 1, 2, 3 or 4 times).

And investigators say there is no conspiracy theory behind the manner in which they are dealing with the man who made a fortune delivering exactly what women want. The river of police statements indicate they are not assigning the case to the singing detective.

However, the bounty of insider info coming from those close to Gibson points to someone unsuccessfully addressing an "I-never-promised-you-a-rose-garden" time in his life.

Unnamed sources said they saw signs that Mel's driving stunt was no chicken run -- he may have been suicidal at the time. Whatever his motivation, the unbecoming media attention surrounding his anti-Semitic comments have left the Aussie wishing he were the man without a face.

My prediction: Mel will pay his attorneys a ransom to stay out of the million dollar hotel. Come next Father's Day, we'll all be remembering the patriot for the right reasons, not what the paparazzi would have you think.

The only horoscopes that matter

Gemini May 21 - June 21

"You've always believed fire to be an uncompromising force of nature, but fire will surprise you next week when it respects your wishes to be cremated."

Go here to see more . . . (not safe for the little ones)

What it isn't: "Grand Prix"

I recently watched Steve McQueen's answer to the fantastic "Grand Prix," and I have to say that I was disappointed.

"Le Mans" hit the screen about five years after John Frankenheimer set the standard for Hollywood's vision of auto racing with "Grand Prix" -- a film conceived with McQueen as the lead (which he passed up).

"Le Mans" director Lee Katzin appears to have left his mark in the made-for-TV class of film. He falls far short of reaching the brilliance of Frankenheimer. I would go so far as the say that Lee wasn't even qualified to take Frankenheimer's white-balance.

This film -- one of McQueen's last 10 -- is slow, tedious, underdeveloped and lifeless. There is little to no dialogue and absolutely zero character development.

Even the racing footage is beyond boring. It's a shame to see McQueen's true driving skills wasted . . . especially when you consider that the immortal chase scene for "Bullitt" was released just three years before.

If you think you can't live without seeing this one, Netflix it or come by it on the cheap. You will likely find yourself feeling really weary before you see the checkered flag.

Thanks for flying

A radio version of this story helped me gain a new appreciation for talking without saying anything.

To say that our counterparts in governmentdom have their own rich lexicon of jargon is a big understatement. Take for example this phrase: "runway incursion."

Gee . . . sounds almost harmless, right? Well, consider the official definition and think again:

"any occurrence in the airport runway environment involving an aircraft, vehicle, person, or object on the ground that creates a collision hazard or results in a loss of required separation with an aircraft taking off, intending to take off, landing, or intending to land."

The Federal Aviation Administration even produced this little cartoon to help spread the word that you could be "incursioned" all the way to your local morgue.

For a little more in-depth study of runway safety, you can play with the FAA's online challenge learning tool. (For your information, I failed the first stage of questions with a 54 percent. I cannot land, taxi or otherwise make a plane take off for crap, apparently)

In other LAX news, a guy from Japan was busted for smuggling in some kind of super-rare butterflies. The "two Queen Alexandra's birdwings ... had been sold for $8,500," and the "arrest culminated a three-year undercover investigation by the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service."

Great . . . Thank goodness there's one less butterfly kingpin out there.

Um . . . hello!

Once again a tip of the fedora goes to WYFM (my favorite fount of journalistic tomfoolery) for this:

Man Suffers Collapsed Lung After Alleged Stabbing Incident

Modifier issues aside, the story itself negates the headline.

"One person is in the hospital after a stabbing at a construction site." Nothing alleged about that, so far as I can tell. But wait, there's more: " McCoy was arrested and charged with assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill inflicting serious injury." Shouldn't they have charged him with alleged assault?

Dear WYFM Newsroom

Allege
Function: transitive verb
To assert without proof or before proving

That is all.